Back in 2014, I was working as a sales representative for a pest control company, and pregnant with my 5th child.
As you can image, I had a lot on my plate. Most days, I was completely zoned out trying to figure out how in the hell I had arrived at this point in my life.
Once upon a time, I was happy and carefree. How the fuck did I go from bliss to being unhappy, overwhelmed, and depressed?
I couldn’t understand why I had made the decisions that lead me to be a mom of soon-to-be five children, and simultaneously in a job and relationship that drained the life out of me.
No part of me wanted a relationship with the father of my children, and yet, I found myself stuck and unable to get out.
Things got so bad that I even asked Google, “What is the purpose of my life?” Shockingly, I wasn’t the only person asking Google for that answer because the question prepopulated in the search field before I could finish writing it.
Then, one day at work, things finally came to a head. I was so overwhelmed with everything happening in my life that I fell to my knees and cried buckets of tears from my soul (thank goodness I had my own office).
I wanted to change my life so badly, and the fact that I knew that things would not change overnight made my heart hurt even more. I knew I had to take it one step at a time.
And so, I read books, invested in personal development programs, and watched/listened to as many free trainings as I could from people who had made it through their own dark storms. I had to figure out my life.
I knew that I was my worst enemy and critic. I had to reverse the damage I’d caused to myself for so long. I had to take responsibility for the part I played in the fucked up relationship I was in and the job I hated so much.
But most importantly, I had to stop looking in the mirror hating the person that was looking back at me.
It was hard as fuck reminding myself to love myself again. My mind was corrupted with negative words, thoughts, and actions for so long that changing was truly a challenge for me. I knew that I had to start with love but I did not understand at first that it would take consistency.
It was as if I was trying to get off of a drug. I’d be clean for a period, and then I would relapse. One day I loved myself, and the next day I was telling myself how much of a fuck up I was.
I had to find a way to love myself despite all of my flaws and imperfections. I had to find a way to face all the challenges that were in front of me, work a full-time job, and be a single mom to five kids.
My mind couldn’t help but wonder, what the fuck?
I was tired and desperate to be in a better space in all areas of my life. My ‘What the fucks’ turned into ‘I refuse to go the fuck back!’ I was at my lowest point, and there was no way in hell I was staying there.
I had to forgive myself for everything. By forgiving myself, I began to love and appreciate who I was again. I was a far cry from the person I wanted to be, but I was well on my way.
Today, I continue to stay consistent by living each day with intention and purpose.
I am no longer a helpless leaf blowing in the wind. I’m more grounded, and I know it’s possible to live the best version of my life I could possibly think of.
If my story resonates with you in any way, please know that it is possible to change your life completely. It is possible to live in happiness and joy on a daily basis.
It starts with you making a choice. It starts with you choosing you and then acknowledging that it’s your birthright to live a happy life.
Sending love and light your way,
Lani, Co-Founder of The Gorgeous Mindset Effect